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5.11.2015

long rain



I'm surprised at how long I've been gone.  I'm surprised at how hard it rains. I find myself longing for dry air and lighter land. I move in and out of belonging, only able to make my way by feel, watching for opportunity that I don't know how to recognize and searching for a push that every part of me aches for. There must be a reason to be alive. There must be a reason why I don't know what I'm capable of, a reason I've been so distant, a reason I believed all that I did. There must have been a good reason to hide so long and deep. All these major and minor notes wrapped together in an inverted chord. Oh God, I'm crawling with the energy of loss, afraid that no matter how bright I shine, I will never see the fulfillment of this dream. I invite you in my old friend doubt. I invite you to dig deep and sift through my bravado, to toss the tiny naked baby of my confidence into the cold exposure and prove to me that the freeze won't kill me. I don't have a who for who I am, I don't have a what for what I want, I can't make a reference point out of a paper tiger. I can only love. I have no other worldly skill. I hope that is ok. I'll just be here, bruising my bones against the wall of my life purpose, asking to be let in, demanding to hear in a place without sound. I will never ever give up. I'll only move closer. 

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