at 12:48 AM
this was my walk yesterday, watching the fog roll down the mountain until i realized it wasn't fog, it was a cloud full of rain. i walked home slowly, soaking wet with my face to the sky.
last week was a big week, here's what i learned:
1) emotional wisdom trumps intellectual wisdom. period. the emotions know, the body knows. the mind, well, it thinks it knows and if it doesn't know then it has to figure it all out and six thousand different issues and problems arise at once and one can sit forever at the kitchen table paralyzed. what is felt may not be what is wanted by the mind. go there and dance there in terror and in freedom until only freedom remains.
2) it is really not easy to follow the heart. it sounds simple and it is but it isn't easy. it's a true discipline and badass warriors of light didn't get there by not leaping into the heart's unknown deep.
3) it sucks to lose a key and have to pay to rekey a whole house.
4) i don't care about most things i cared about before i came to stay on this island. i was totally misinformed as to who i was and what i wanted.
5) leap into and towards what scares you in action as well as intention. scared to try something, talk to someone, BE someone? do it right now.
6) the results of anything you do can't be predicted. do not try. the greatest gifts come from being with and seeing the present moment. they can be totally missed when you don't accept them because they don't look like you think they should.
7) chocolate and peanut butter are still a perfect thing.
8) don't hide. you know what i mean.
at 7:51 PM
i've been packing and organizing this past week and this weekend i discovered that it was more important to me than anything to not bring certain things with me to where i'm going next.
i can live without many things, nearly everything, but i can no longer live with what isn't true. the voice that i have become so used to over these decades, the one telling me i'm not capable or worthy or talented or beautiful, is a voice that i'm no longer able to believe. it is the greatest luxury in the world to no longer have to listen. i don't know what the path looks like but i realize it's made of a million tiny decisions to live as one who is worthy and strong and kind and loyal and brave and talented and wonderful. these truths are based on nothing. they are not because of what i do or how successful i am according to any standards but my own. they can't be because of anything transient for if i lost a measure of my own success then it wasn't really mine to begin with. to actually embody this has taken incredible will and some pretty fierce solitude and i am amazed and honored by my own strength and power. i am an amazing human being and the proof of this is in the fact that i am here at all.
the opportunity to say out loud who we really are is here. to surround ourselves with friends and loves who support our truth is not easy but it can make the difference between a life lived in misery because we are reaffirming untrue beliefs about ourselves or a life lived in the total joy of being so deeply in love with our own existence that the love we are filled with brims over and spills everywhere, touching everyone we touch, feeding the earth, and encouraging its own expansion. i wish that for me and for you.
at 1:08 PM