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one reason

new work, fall 2013

one reason that this blog has been so neglected is one that maybe many people face but i don't know. i'd like to find discovery through these last very hard years has been that gratitude is all there is, because there is absolutely nothing else. no home, no friends, no community, no livlihood, no direction, and no clarity. i am continually stripped of my somebody-ness. every attempt to manifest is met with a wall of opposition. i no longer know which end is up, i am without confidence as it seems, through this veil that is my perception, that nothing i do or try to do is supported. the only thing that seems to happen consistently is that i wake each morning, alive and i breathe all day. this shit is hard. i am devastatingly lonely. i went on a quest two years ago. those months of giving up my possessions and my constructs all led to the moment when i got on a plane with nothing, to go somewhere where i knew no one and had no prospects, to self. i may have failed at this attempt and this breaks my heart so that, many days, i can barely move. i have asked, i have demanded, i have begged, i have prayed for the wake up, for the clear sight, for the dharma unfolding. i have been met with spectacular radio silence. i did not achieve the purpose of giving it all up. i gave every trust to someone to whom i should not have and in that, my own power was more lost than ever. i am working every day to get it back. it is hard. be careful to what teachers you entrust your spiritual growth. i am here today sitting with my tears, at this moment so completely broken. i do not have work, i do not have a home, i do not have any means of self-reliance. i am adrift and purposeless. i am staying in too-close quarters with a family member with whom it is important for our relationship that i NOT live with them. this is also hard. i am working on a borrowed computer because mine is ten years old and barely works. but still i hope to be able to start posting more regularly, because there is something to be said for capturing what is beautiful in the manifestation of each day. for recording concretely what is humbling, what is sweet, what is to be remembered. part of my lack of posts has been my personal dislike of my camera's abilities. i don't have a dslr and even though i like my little lumix, it doesn't produce the photos i want to see. and what would these photos be? i don't know but i will continue to look, in hopes that in the looking will come true seeing. i have so much to offer and so much to give. i still have hope that this will be able to be reflected back to me someday. the smallest things mean so much, and the lessons hard learned mean i can have a compassion so deep it rivals the grand canyon. the humility i now experience is deeply painful and yet there is something there, something so sweet, so delicate but inexplicably strong. i hope to know this better. i need to get on the road home, in space and time as well as within. hopefully this week i'll find the right car and be on my way. someone said to me once that when you're the most defeated, you're the most free.