kokyangwuti

         Spiderwoman/Thought Woman. 

              Art by Jade Red Moon.

I have always dreamed of spiders. They are usually in my bed with me but sometimes they take a more active role in their medicine. Last night I dreamed of two, or maybe more. One was a beautiful blue-green iridescent little being that climbed up onto a dog's nose, over his left eye, and up into his head. The dog didn't mind at all. The other was a small black tarantula that I found sleeping under my pillow. They were both beautiful and I felt, as I often do in these spider dreams, a tender pointed attention on these beings in my dream state, as though I were listening, as though captivated. The tarantula was shy and when discovered, she began to leave. In the dream I had been sleeping outside on the ground, on a thin blanket with a pillow. Under the pillow were my usual gem stones and sleep things and much to my surprise, a black spider about the total size of my palm. As she walked off the blanket and onto the ground I followed her with my attention and if I remember correctly, I might have been asking her not to leave. Today, as I continue to sit very uncomfortably on the fence between a soul bone desire to run off into the wilds of my beloved Mojave or to stay here in Austin and continue to find a way to energetically harmonize with the collective of density (although here, it's not that strong) but it physically hurts to not be in raw, bare nature. Solitude is not solitude at all when communication extends outside the realm of people. There is, probably, income here and I decree that I will create my Truth, shine my Light, no matter where and no matter how absolutely blind I feel, and I will keep weaving words and heart songs until I have a web of Home that even I can see was woven by the Divine, and I can know that She is me. Taking care of myself as though I were a precious thing, because that is the truth of all of us, is what I am navigating. Sometimes I feel like the masculine must dominate, bringing in income so that there can be a home and food, with less regard to whether I am truly happy or filled with joy, because it's time to take care of the little family of me. I will keep asking the question "how can great abundance come through my joy?". My feminine heart wants to run free and wild through the desert without a single possession, with only me, God, guides, and my greatest lover, Nature. I live in the in-between and I try each moment to not strain here, even when I strain to try not to strain. Today it's Sunday. I've been in Austin for a week. I worked a gig for sxsw. I am taking the day off. Maybe tomorrow, too. I can do this, whatever it is, and I'll keep stepping aside until the trying becomes the total surrender I dream of, until I remember.