My mother is a healer. She is of a caliber that truly has very few peers and she and her work have been shifting and retuning through these last years, as many of us have been, the things that defined us melting away, revealing newness only as gently as we are able to let go. What I'm going to begin to use words to define today, my mother's work is a part of.
True power comes from the guts. Many people I know will attest that their power comes from their lowest pelvic organs, their balls, their womb. This is only a partial truth and to stop here and seek to empower those organs will only reveal partial power. Life force energy encompasses sexual energy, giving it a place to reside, encouraging it to flow ever upwards, ungrasped.
The very second that direct experience of the life force of the guts (otherwise known as rage, gotcha!) is inquired into, that's the moment of decision. Do you want to tell a story or do you want to sink so deeply into your own force of power that you become it? We are given this simple choice every moment and seem to have written scriptures for millennia that try to define it for all. Living inside a transcended state of awareness as a human being is to reveal the full force of this energy to ones self. It feels like rage, unless you've already transcended that. Pure rage with no object, no one from your past, no parent or family member, no lover, not even yourself can be the target if such rage because it is not rage at all. Destructive, sure. But equally creative. Forceful, yes. But equally able to be in somatic dialogue with wisdom, not reckless. This is the animal we seek.
The inquiry went like this. I was talking to my mom about how frustrated I am with the rash on my forehead, remembering the last time I lived with such a thing, which was during my marriage while living in Boulder. I was attempting to draw knowledge out of myself as to what the cause was and what I might do. Then she asked me, "what is the emotion of this?". Being who I am I stopped and felt and nothing would reveal. "Fear?" Nope. "Joy?" No. And I felt deeper. "Frustration?" No. "Anger?" I felt a whole body clench start as the clarity came through. "Rage" and I sobbed and she asked me to stay there and I did. I discovered that rage is a name given to an overwhelming sensation of energy in the deepest part of my root core, it is a word used as an access point to this energy. She asked me to whom it was directed and there was no one, nothing. In the space of half an hour I watched a deeply repressed life force come into bloom, both in the light of my conscious awareness and in the light if my embraced somatic experience. Spontaneously, as is happening lately when something is revealed. The opposing force began to stir, and I felt a systematic shutting down, a forceful push downward within my body, effectively shutting off this glorious force of not rage/rage. I was so connected with my body at this time that I was able to feel each chakra area close down and a very familiar feeling of disconnection entered my awareness. In a few quick moments I had traced the line of this disconnection through my life.
Now for the good stuff. My mom asked me where the source of closing down was located. The thought that popped in was 'my throat' but it took another few minutes for me to speak to it. When I did, my mom made a suggestion that I grab into my throat and squeeze, and to do it until I was fully present to the sensations of my windpipe. As I became able to to really use some force on myself I noticed many things simultaneously. I noticed that as I squeezed, pressure was created in my face. I began to cry as I increased the pressure. I noticed that it was not at all uncomfortable. I noticed I wanted to squeeze harder. As I did I felt the suppression let go. I felt the force of power begin to rise again and as I let go of my neck, I witnessed the two forces meet in an energetic pas de deux at and just below my solar plexus. One force pushing downward, dominant, repulsive. One rising up, more powerful but more untested. This left me relatively speechless and I've spent the last day with this experience. I've spent the last day falling in love with the energy that I've been the most afraid of. This rage is beyond love, the core of which may be deeper than my soul, and IS love.
I realize this is the core energy and experience of my life. It is what I have run from. It is what I developed all sorts of sophisticated suppression methods as a child to hide. I had tremendous fear of it, of it running the show. I denied myself my own core embodied experience and all of it's treasures. The energy I ran from is the energy of me; my truth, my guide, my grounded self. It felt too strong to bear without breaking apart. It is all I wish to bear. I can now hold the current and roll out a red carpet of fearlessness that has new meaning, that I will have to rise to and grow into. I believe in my own ability. It is a creative power that encompasses and surpasses sexual power. It is abundance, wealth, worth.
Durgha, Kali, I'm in love. I've avoided coming all the way into the embodied home of the destructive force, the way-clearer. Because what if I did not want to do the things this force asked me to do, what if I wanted to remain separate from the responsibility of being my whole self? The last grasp I had on trying to construct this life has let go as I realize that to give each moment to my own deepest life force is now understood by my body, and my body won't allow otherwise. I'm still completely awed as I allow new neurons, new energetic connections to be made rapidly within this body. I am newly made today. I wish I could truly share this experience. I realize I can't now, but I can plan to in the future. To truly share it, if I am meant to, in transmission, in my own healing practice. There is a somatic key that is currently not included in Circling, but will be. I desire to help bring that key forward. I commit to moving in and towards, gently and thoroughly touching the entirely of my somatic experience.
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi is quoted as saying "Love is bold", that is love is powerful. The force of existence is so powerful and we are
walking around every day with this absolute miracle humming through us, touching all our parts, waiting for us to reach out for it. To come into our primal life force and roll in it, reveling, is very different from cerebral energy. It feels as though it can overpower cerebral energy, but once unleashed, it can't. There is only harmony. Checks and balances. And a sureity of embodiment that comes like water after a long drought.
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