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I am afraid to talk about myself in any way. I am afraid that my experience is impossible to understand. I already assume you won't understand me, before I give us both a chance. I have no idea why I spent such a long time in persecution. So I could know it inside and out? So I can transmute it with you? It is and it does and I do. This morning in the early hours a cry released from me for help, and now I feel that help gathering force within my chest and belly, drawing my attention to the land, to where and how I might tear off my clothes and run wild into the place I instinctively go, where I can claw at the dirt of my mother and howl into the soft loam and cut new teeth on rocks and become entirely immune to the temperature of the water and air. I can't become entirely animal just as I can't become entirely ethereal, both slightly crushing realizations, for I truly am that and human is proving troublesome. I feel impotent in trying to navigate both. I have not been what any human would call successful in making money, in being my own provider. I hit that wall often with the force of a fleeing beast. My belly numb, my masculine stripped of power. Gaia, you dropped a key at my feet. No matter how I choose to spin my wheels, I don't move forward unless entirely embodied. And so I don't move forward. This is crushing my heart. Isolation is crushing me. I was created, please, sustain. My heart is squeezing, and I hear you asking me to stop this. To listen for your voice. Ok...
*******
Sweetheart. Your fortune is great. Few have been where you are. You don't understand this but it is a fortune, a luck, that is rarely seen. You do not see who you are. You continually don't listen to me when I ask you to present yourself to others, to inquire, to listen. I can't tire of you not listening to me, but you are very tired. Your attention keeps going to a gift of sight you were given last weekend. I want your attention there. I do not need you to have attention on how you are going to pay for this or that, how you are
going to live. I want all your attention on that place where the veil has bown apart I want you to not only see the emissaries who are revealing themselves to you, I want you to understand what they are telling you. That magnificent beast who is constantly reaching for you, constantly asking for your attention? I want you to go to it, sit and let your heart speak. I am lifting the veils, at just the right time. When did you realize you could channel me? Long after you began, right? Time is irrelevant. And yet there is very little and you have a lot to do. I have begun to ask much more of you. You thought last year that you had very little time between lessons, that events were rolling together seismically, and you, marvelous woman, you left this plane just a little bit more, when all was encouraging you to drop in. When I sent you a man, two men, whatever your choices were, they were sent to force you in. One to see that you could be opened, the second to knock you flat. I can be tough on you, you notice? How much have I asked you to give up? What tests and trials have I put you through? All of your beauty and power reside in the painful chasms that you try to blanket with peace. So I keep sending you war. I hand you all your weapons. Now more than ever I demand that you act. I demand that you fight. Lately you've been enjoying using the expression 'bones out'. I demand your bones and I will write on them, I will remake flesh, and you will come back to life, fully, and in fresh bloom, with your creatures and your angels, with your demons of power lit like firey wings at your back. You are not required to see fully who you are, you are required to step forward anyway, to run to human collision. Believe me, I could never doubt that you love me, I could never doubt your unshakable devotion to me and I know you know that I am you and you are me. You have not stepped out of the residence of God in your heart for many
months now, and you haven't noticed until these words. Your parts are connecting and your two greatest fears are coming for you quickly, that you will be divine mother to man who will love you and that you will be divine mother to a world that will need you. Your tenderness in this fear right now is so exquisite and you have already turned up the flame again for faster burning. I love you. You are no longer capable of making a mistake.
*******
I don't think I have explicitly stated that I experience a channel, of myself to myself, dialogue with what I experience as my relationship to Mother Divine. So yeah, that's there. I still hold back some of the tidal wave but I am relenting, the pain of holding has become strong and a medicine woman that lives within me is pushing back. This seems to be the point where I accept my sight, the sight I shut off as a child. Block one communication, you block them all, eh? I feel peace. I feel fear. I feel I'm calling home many hunted animals, many innocents, many times being both the hunter and the prey, many lifetimes of transmutation of human darkness, many lifetimes of service to the light. Today I serve the wholeness of this broken heart I've carried, broken when I arrived, patched up in many attempts to create reality, and now...what remains in the heart space when the heart is fully broken? Here is what I see when I close my eyes and feel. Not within my actual beating human heart, but in the exact center of my chest, there is a golden structure. To the back center of this golden structure is a valve of some kind, like a flower bud. Something exquisitely beautiful is dancing in this structure, it is from here that I am spoken to. There is the possibility that this valve or bud could open. When I feel into this possibility I see that if it does, I will drown in love. It is extraordinarily sensitive, because there is some relationship to my emotional heart, which is unguarded. I'm seeing right now that because I am unable to guard my heart, I am fiercely guarding my body as the last tangible thing I am able to protect. And as I write this, the unicorn energy becomes so strong and present and my mind receives a vague flood of images of blood, fire, and terror, of many faces. This is overwhelming, but when set on the foundation of what I have been building, it feels like a homecoming. It feels like honor to the child who hid from what she could see. I smile when I think that I only listened to and then set the intention for this new year a month ago, which in part was for all karma, eons, ages, lifetimes, this lifetime, to be fully released so that I could do my work here. Ok, then. On it. I am grateful to ground this experience in words this morning. I am truly naked right now. I feel hints of fear of persecution but mostly, as always, what I feel is love.
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