going all the way into life with the one who fails

The forces of contraction are potent right now and something has come up that I don't want to speak or write about, so I have to. 

This is hard. 

I have been lucky to have met a true soul sister in this lifetime. Someone with whom it felt as though we were picking up where we left off, from a time beyond the time I can see, and with whom I sensed a tremendous ability when we joined force. The sense that we could spread an even brighter light together than we could alone, and that our light would call forward many others, growing and joining in a community of marvelous high-vibrational potential.

And here's what's happening in me as my days go by. I realize that, because of who she and I are, I may always feel that I am in her shadow. The reality is that I don't know that we are moving something forward together. And I suppose how could I, at this time. She is a true extrovert, I am a true introvert. She is younger and appears to be much more magnetic because of her fantastic extroverted personality. I am older and my immense power is quieter, I notice only the very bright are even able to see me, still I rarely experience anything beautiful reflected back to me. 

This concerns me, as I can't shake the sense that I truly might be as ugly as I believe I am, as unworthy as I believe I am. This shit is old. I'm tired if it. There is no amount of seeing the story as it is, no amount of accepting or rejecting the story that has had any effect on changing it, releasing it. Not yet. I beg for some response from the world that I am worth my own existence, and I continue to breathe, so that must be a sign. Some days are good, some days all I can do is give my entire self over to a ripping pain. I feel the pain of humanity as if it were my own, no scratch that, as my own. How do I even bear this? And how do I transmute this paralyzing pain into strength, or rather, how do I flip the switch and see that strength is present more than I can see, that strength IS the beauty and power if this incarnation? How do I establish knowingness in my body of what my spirit already knows? How do I allow the tremendous pain that I have created a life of defensive personality to counter, be?

Part if how I'm doing it is to spill out the ugliest and the worst, as I judge them, along with the most beautiful. This is so that both are honored in the light. I need to share the worst and most judged parts of myself. Not in the context of 'healing' them or making them transmute into some sort of ridiculous idea of human enlightenment. No, the way to my own soul is to wade right through this shit, without picking it up, without making it need to change, without doing a damn thing but knowing that the lesson is the same even when the teacher appears different. 

None of this means that I will leave and go off to continue my journey elsewhere but it makes me hesitate each step of the way, aware that I might be moving in the wrong direction, that I might be giving up the important work of my life in order to follow in the wake of another's power. As I write this I have a niggling voice that says 'keep going, you haven't even begun to see what you are, and no one will need to reflect anything back to you when you do'. 

I am aware that so much of this is happening in a time of such personal transition that clarity is not available, and I must continue without a sure sense of my feet. 

If I can scream out to you that I am ugly and stupid and that I want to tear myself limb from limb in a rage that rises from the core of me like a banshee in the night sky, what will you do? What will you say? Will you try to fix me? Or will you reveal your own unloved nature, pushing aside the curtain to expose to me a final union that signals the end of seeking, that finally sends us both into the gushing flood of release from holding back? 

The mental attempt at spiritual practice is great, so that with enough reputation, when you arrive at the point where only howling into the night sky with your hands digging into the breast of your mother will release what is at the end of your search, you will have a bridge to walk across, into the depths of an infinity of emotions and sensations, as you fully release yourself for a sprint into the unknown. That's the only point where you can become spiritual practice, leaving trying in the dust behind you with your shed skin. When meditation as an act becomes meditation as life, some divine primal being is set free into the wild. Enough inadequacy is enough. Stay close though, don't go until you are entirely run through.