Because I'm forming experience into concept, I patched a random About Me today. I commit to this all this week and to just let all this fly, uncensored in the order that it comes.
I want to Circle the shit out of my family, especially my dad. So I am. And on that subject, I still want my own big family, that hasn't changed even though a pinchy voice in my heart says it's too late.
Holding back is good sometimes. And at other times, sometimes there is later regret even though in the moment, nothing else could be done. I remember this past often in the present to see if presence wants something that I often habitually ignore. The regret is only for when I didn't hold out my hand.
I want my man but I might not be ripe enough yet and I hate that and I'm relieved. I don't know if I've balanced enough of the polarization, nor do I know if I'm supposed to do that alone or if that's some fuck that spiritual conceptualization that my overly analytical mind is chewing on. I do know that I will NEVER know. Yes, good, fuck it. I am my man, and I can never be. Which I intuit to mean that I'm exactly ready at the pace of pouring molasses when what I really need is to rip the bandaid. It's just a fucking bandaid mixing with the fear and pain of a multitude of lives, of a collective consciousness that has somehow decided to transmute partially through my awareness. I can meet this with all I have, and that's a fucking lot, but I'm a fat little white grub exposed to the midday summer sun. And oh God, being able to be that, even for the one moment that it will take for the grub to shrivel and die, is ecstasy. I feel a core agony in waiting to meet that moment.
I experience disgust with some sensations of my pelvic space, that are not necessarily sexual, although that is there, and an impulse to free what feels constricted, to be naked to what revolts me. There is a funny incongruity with how my body and mind each relay this information. Part of that feels wounded, as if from memory, and partly it's just bullshit having to do with not being here meeting life with life force. I feel a lot of angelic energy, a safety in the celestial, and wonder if it is just so hard for me to embody that while holding and growing the powerful life force of this mama earth. I'm highly charged with forces that I'm not sure won't tear me apart. All warriors are weak when they are young.
Emotional capacity is one of my super powers. Capacity seems to be not as appreciated as expressiveness. So I work on expression, so I can link to what causes others to feel good, held, seen, real. As I do, capacity grows. I fear I will never come back from the agony of truly seeing others as real, that their sweetness and exquisite beauty will tear me apart and destroy all remaining sense of self. That to meet you in your truth I have to become you and willing to never come back. Something will be there after all is burned away. She is mine. I guard her jealously.
I feel I could break from feeling the ecstasy of the energy of life. With every heart beat that I tune to, I feel death just as I feel life and I can't separate this into two things.
I can never leave my embodied experience for a moment. And if I do, I must laugh and turn towards again. The challenge is to change. I have to balance the tomboy warrior cute thing that has resonance around my throat with the slow burn of the deepest root of my pelvis. I need help to do this, a counterpoint.
I broke a boundary this weekend and it's time to quickly fill some space with Tantra. Much more deeply than I've gone before into freedom of sensation and into the breath.
I have to give better than I ever hope to get. Part of my root chakra desire is to meet those who will demand that of me so fiercely. And I will reward them. I'll never worry over lack again.
I really love one cat in all the world. I just really adore this one ridiculous house cat.
I notice I don't buy in anymore. Not even to my own feelings. Even of I pick it up off the shelf, I put it back. Deeply felt is enough for release but not buying in to any of them feels like unconditional love. Courage is the most important tool I have.
My neck hurts again, from hauling my suitcase, from shifting into another space. I feel calm, peaceful, sensual, and aware of energy, warmth, and a sense of flow in my lower body, pelvis and legs. I am aware of a current like a rolling wave, not seismically large but very deep and very attractive. Some of the current is electric feeling.
I am hyper aware of the language I'm using right now. Aware of the word choices I'm making in some of these sentences. I feel annoyed with myself about the way I am saying some of these things, and judgemental.
I know that something great has happened to me through these last years when I find that I can come directly from a container of deep intimacy and vulnerability to a family home that once triggered substantial trauma and find that there is not a lot of difference within me in those two places and states. To find a rush of love that is the same for my brother's baby mama, who lives with my family while he is in prison and who smokes and takes methodone while pregnant and who has not seen a lot of love and safety in her life and who is taking the most courageous steps to grow towards someone she probably never though she chould be until encouraged, as I do for myself is profoundly good. It may be that the intention to see everything as God has worked, that the idea of violation is no longer sustainable. I am experiencing everyone as tangible love, more so than the etheric love of before, which was already substantial. I feel so warm and soft when I witness my family taking the route of the heart, especially here in a still stoic northeast culture of fend for yourself. New Englanders are a little weird in how much they hold in and back. I wonder about that collective and what we who were born here are here to reenact until we transmute.
Defending myself is not necessary, sometimes essential, sometimes much less important than defending you.
I'm facing a deep shadow regarding intimacy. I am acutely aware of an energetic action of self protection and I keep having my attention drawn to my belly, where I feel a numbness. I am aware that I have a pattern of taking no actions regarding the desire for touch and instead wait for others to initiate closeness. There is something of a predator and prey game being played in that pattern. I have great distaste for the flavor of that game. It is not direct, it is a misuse of power. Something in this clusterfuck of internal pressure is going to explode. I come home into physical presence with something I long ago decided was too revolting and dirty to embody and to feel. I have been disassociated from the dirt and danger. It's luminous and sickening. Kali can come do her work, always invited.
I'm marveling at how deeply my stoicism runs. I've waited for others to pull me out. It isn't their job and I don't want to need that kind of care. Not on this level. That stoicism doesn't serve me anymore. It's the kind of behavior that will keep me present and capable in the event of a witch hunt, horrific violence, or traumatic aggression against me. It's amazing to me that my stress response is so high, yet very little is visibly happening. I feel I may have been reenacting an energetic line of persecution that goes back through a thousand lifetimes before. This is old and done and still I'm holding it all in my guts and my pelvis and throat as though at any moment I'm going to be kidnapped and sent to my death, again and again, because I'm feared, because I have magic, because I'm strong enough to bear it. Just writing that pulls great amounts of grief and tender pain from around my heart and solar plexus and I understand that none of this has to do with wounding this lifetime. I literally just released the thought that any of this is from my current life. It is so much older. I will heal this from this place and relive what I must in order to release. I have sisters who will surround me with support but it's brothers who will provide a necessary key. I call you, brothers, for the violence that will allow me deeper into softness.
I sat with a magical woman Sunday who possesses such abilities of remembering and sight that in her presence and in our connection, I remembered many lives all at once in such quick succession and magnitude and I was overwhelmed. I saw her simultaneous lives in current multidimensionality and I saw mine, all with varying levels of clarity. It was the most I've ever seen beyond the veil. I want more of that and I realize it is available and I experience such tremendous relief and bringing eons of past impressions and emotions into a multidimensional present that once and for all, ends a long cycle of very heavy and exhausting work.
Also, I was once a unicorn, whether here or there, and to reconnect with that Beingness is an experience I can barely describe. Internally I recognize behavior that relates to how a shy and hunted animal would behave, all open heart and intuition and fight or flight. SO much fight or flight. Since that vision, I've been walking with this creature, strongly feeling it by my side. I want to know the names of my other incarnations, especially present, while being able to stay here and use it for what it's good for only.
This blizzard is whiting out my world. All my unconnected parts are here in this blessing of inner visibility. I am completely in love with you for holding me here. This isn't just one thing or person or moment, it's quantum everything all the time.
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