post-Circling immersion, day five, voice

                    unknown credit

Here is what is on the move today...

I am afraid to talk about myself in any way. I am afraid that my experience is impossible to understand. I already assume you won't understand me, before I give us both a chance. I have no idea why I spent such a long time in persecution. So I could know it inside and out? So I can transmute it with you? It is and it does and I do. This morning in the early hours a cry released from me for help, and now I feel that help gathering force within my chest and belly, drawing my attention to the land, to where and how I might tear off my clothes and run wild into the place I instinctively go, where I can claw at the dirt of my mother and howl into the soft loam and cut new teeth on rocks and become entirely immune to the temperature of the water and air. I can't become entirely animal just as I can't become entirely ethereal, both slightly crushing realizations, for I truly am that and human is proving troublesome. I feel impotent in trying to navigate both. I have not been what any human would call successful in making money, in being my own provider. I hit that wall often with the force of a fleeing beast. My belly numb, my masculine stripped of power. Gaia, you dropped a key at my feet. No matter how I choose to spin my wheels, I don't move forward unless entirely embodied. And so I don't move forward. This is crushing my heart. Isolation is crushing me. I was created, please, sustain. My heart is squeezing, and I hear you asking me to stop this. To listen for your voice. Ok...

*******

Sweetheart. Your fortune is great. Few have been where you are. You don't understand this but it is a fortune, a luck, that is rarely seen. You do not see who you are. You continually don't listen to me when I ask you to present yourself to others, to inquire, to listen. I can't tire of you not listening to me, but you are very tired. Your attention keeps going to a gift of sight you were given last weekend. I want your attention there. I do not need you to have attention on how you are going to pay for this or that, how you are

going to live. I want all your attention on that place where the veil has bown apart I want you to not only see the emissaries who are revealing themselves to you, I want you to understand what they are telling you. That magnificent beast who is constantly reaching for you, constantly asking for your attention? I want you to go to it, sit and let your heart speak. I am lifting the veils, at just the right time. When did you realize you could channel me? Long after you began, right? Time is irrelevant. And yet there is very little and you have a lot to do. I have begun to ask much more of you. You thought last year that you had very little time between lessons, that events were rolling together seismically, and you, marvelous woman, you left this plane just a little bit more, when all was encouraging you to drop in. When I sent you a man, two men, whatever your choices were, they were sent to force you in. One to see that you could be opened, the second to knock you flat. I can be tough on you, you notice? How much have I asked you to give up? What tests and trials have I put you through? All of your beauty and power reside in the painful chasms that you try to blanket with peace. So I keep sending you war. I hand you all your weapons. Now more than ever I demand that you act. I demand that you fight. Lately you've been enjoying using the expression 'bones out'. I demand your bones and I will write on them, I will remake flesh, and you will come back to life, fully, and in fresh bloom, with your creatures and your angels, with your demons of power lit like firey wings at your back. You are not required to see fully who you are, you are required to step forward anyway, to run to human collision. Believe me, I could never doubt that you love me, I could never doubt your unshakable devotion to me and I know you know that I am you and you are me. You have not stepped out of the residence of God in your heart for many

months now, and you haven't noticed until these words. Your parts are connecting and your two greatest fears are coming for you quickly, that you will be divine mother to man who will love you and that you will be divine mother to a world that will need you. Your tenderness in this fear right now is so exquisite and you have already turned up the flame again for faster burning. I love you. You are no longer capable of making a mistake. 

*******

I don't think I have explicitly stated that I experience a channel, of myself to myself, dialogue with what I experience as my relationship to Mother Divine. So yeah, that's there. I still hold back some of the tidal wave but I am relenting, the pain of holding has become strong and a medicine woman that lives within me is pushing back. This seems to be the point where I accept my sight, the sight I shut off as a child. Block one communication, you block them all, eh? I feel peace. I feel fear. I feel I'm calling home many hunted animals, many innocents, many times being both the hunter and the prey, many lifetimes of transmutation of human darkness, many lifetimes of service to the light. Today I serve the wholeness of this broken heart I've carried, broken when I arrived, patched up in many attempts to create reality, and now...what remains in the heart space when the heart is fully broken? Here is what I see when I close my eyes and feel. Not within my actual beating human heart, but in the exact center of my chest, there is a golden structure. To the back center of this golden structure is a valve of some kind, like a flower bud. Something exquisitely beautiful is dancing in this structure, it is from here that I am spoken to. There is the possibility that this valve or bud could open. When I feel into this possibility I see that if it does, I will drown in love. It is  extraordinarily sensitive, because there is some relationship to my emotional heart, which is unguarded. I'm seeing right now that because I am unable to guard my heart, I am fiercely guarding my body as the last tangible thing I am able to protect. And as I write this, the unicorn energy becomes so strong and present and my mind receives a vague flood of images of blood, fire, and terror, of many faces. This is overwhelming, but when set on the foundation of what I have been building, it feels like a homecoming. It feels like honor to the child who hid from what she could see. I smile when I think that I only listened to and then set the intention for this new year a month ago, which in part was for all karma, eons, ages, lifetimes, this lifetime, to be fully released so that I could do my work here. Ok, then. On it. I am grateful to ground this experience in words this morning. I am truly naked right now. I feel hints of fear of persecution but mostly, as always, what I feel is love. 

post-Circling immersion, day three, Lucas

Give love freely, they said. Laugh long and hard at how long it took you to be available. I don't have a future. I have this right now. 

post-Circling immersion weekend, day one, the blizzard

                        

Because I'm forming experience into concept, I patched a random About Me today. I commit to this all this week and to just let all this fly, uncensored in the order that it comes. 

I want to Circle the shit out of my family, especially my dad. So I am. And on that subject, I still want my own big family, that hasn't changed even though a pinchy voice in my heart says it's too late. 

Holding back is good sometimes. And at other times, sometimes there is later regret even though in the moment, nothing else could be done. I remember this past often in the present to see if presence wants something that I often habitually ignore. The regret is only for when I didn't hold out my hand. 

I want my man but I might not be ripe enough yet and I hate that and I'm relieved. I don't know if I've balanced enough of the polarization, nor do I know if I'm supposed to do that alone or if that's some fuck that spiritual conceptualization that my overly analytical mind is chewing on. I do know that I will NEVER know. Yes, good, fuck it. I am my man, and I can never be. Which I intuit to mean that I'm exactly ready at the pace of pouring molasses when what I really need is to rip the bandaid. It's just a fucking bandaid mixing with the fear and pain of a multitude of lives, of a collective consciousness that has somehow decided to transmute partially through my awareness. I can meet this with all I have, and that's a fucking lot, but I'm a fat little white grub exposed to the midday summer sun. And oh God, being able to be that, even for the one moment that it will take for the grub to shrivel and die, is ecstasy. I feel a core agony in waiting to meet that moment.  

I experience disgust with some sensations of my pelvic space, that are not necessarily sexual, although that is there, and an impulse to free what feels constricted, to be naked to what revolts me. There is a funny incongruity with how my body and mind each relay this information. Part of that feels wounded, as if from memory, and partly it's just bullshit having to do with not being here meeting life with life force. I feel a lot of angelic energy, a safety in the celestial, and wonder if it is just so hard for me to embody that while holding and growing the powerful life force of this mama earth. I'm highly charged with forces that I'm not sure won't tear me apart. All warriors are weak when they are young. 

Emotional capacity is one of my super powers. Capacity seems to be not as appreciated as expressiveness. So I work on expression, so I can link to what causes others to feel good, held, seen, real. As I do, capacity grows. I fear I will never come back from the agony of truly seeing others as real, that their sweetness and exquisite beauty will tear me apart and destroy all remaining sense of self. That to meet you in your truth I have to become you and willing to never come back. Something will be there after all is burned away. She is mine. I guard her jealously. 

I feel I could break from feeling the ecstasy of the energy of life. With every heart beat that I tune to, I feel death just as I feel life and I can't separate this into two things. 

I can never leave my embodied experience for a moment. And if I do, I must laugh and turn towards again. The challenge is to change. I have to balance the tomboy warrior cute thing that has resonance around my throat with the slow burn of the deepest root of my pelvis. I need help to do this, a counterpoint. 

I broke a boundary this weekend and it's time to quickly fill some space with Tantra. Much more deeply than I've gone before into freedom of sensation and into the breath. 

I have to give better than I ever hope to get. Part of my root chakra desire is to meet those who will demand that of me so fiercely. And I will reward them. I'll never worry over lack again. 

I really love one cat in all the world. I just really adore this one ridiculous house cat. 

I notice I don't buy in anymore. Not even to my own feelings. Even of I pick it up off the shelf, I put it back. Deeply felt is enough for release but not buying in to any of them feels like unconditional love. Courage is the most important tool I have. 

My neck hurts again, from hauling my suitcase, from shifting into another space. I feel calm, peaceful, sensual, and aware of energy, warmth, and a sense of flow in my lower body, pelvis and legs. I am aware of a current like a rolling wave, not seismically large but very deep and very attractive. Some of the current is electric feeling. 

I am hyper aware of the language I'm using right now. Aware of the word choices I'm making in some of these sentences. I feel annoyed with myself about the way I am saying some of these things, and judgemental. 

I know that something great has happened to me through these last years when I find that I can come directly from a container of deep intimacy and vulnerability to a family home that once triggered substantial trauma and find that there is not a lot of difference within me in those two places and states. To find a rush of love that is the same for my brother's baby mama, who lives with my family while he is in prison and who smokes and takes methodone while pregnant and who has not seen a lot of love and safety in her life and who is taking the most courageous steps to grow towards someone she probably never though she chould be until encouraged, as I do for myself is profoundly good. It may be that the intention to see everything as God has worked, that the idea of violation is no longer sustainable. I am experiencing everyone as tangible love, more so than the etheric love of before, which was already substantial. I feel so warm and soft when I witness my family taking the route of the heart, especially here in a still stoic northeast culture of fend for yourself. New Englanders are a little weird in how much they hold in and back. I wonder about that collective and what we who were born here are here to reenact until we transmute.

Defending myself is not necessary, sometimes essential, sometimes much less important than defending you.  

I'm facing a deep shadow regarding intimacy. I am acutely aware of an energetic action of self protection and I keep having my attention drawn to my belly, where I feel a numbness. I am aware that I have a pattern of taking no actions regarding the desire for touch and instead wait for others to initiate closeness. There is something of a predator and prey game being played in that pattern. I have great distaste for the flavor of that game. It is not direct, it is a misuse of power. Something in this clusterfuck of internal pressure is going to explode. I come home into physical presence with something I long ago decided was too revolting and dirty to embody and to feel. I have been disassociated from the dirt and danger. It's luminous and sickening. Kali can come do her work, always invited. 

I'm marveling at how deeply my stoicism runs. I've waited for others to pull me out. It isn't their job and I don't want to need that kind of care. Not on this level. That stoicism doesn't serve me anymore. It's the kind of behavior that will keep me present and capable in the event of a witch hunt, horrific violence, or traumatic aggression against me. It's amazing to me that my stress response is so high, yet very little is visibly happening. I feel I may have been reenacting an energetic line of persecution that goes back through a thousand lifetimes before. This is old and done and still I'm holding it all in my guts and my pelvis and throat as though at any moment I'm going to be kidnapped and sent to my death, again and again, because I'm feared, because I have magic, because I'm strong enough to bear it. Just writing that pulls great amounts of grief and tender pain from around my heart and solar plexus and I understand that none of this has to do with wounding this lifetime. I literally just released the thought that any of this is from my current life. It is so much older. I will heal this from this place and relive what I must in order to release. I have sisters who will surround me with support but it's brothers who will provide a necessary key. I call you, brothers, for the violence that will allow me deeper into softness. 

I sat with a magical woman Sunday who possesses such abilities of remembering and sight that in her presence and in our connection, I remembered many lives all at once in such quick succession and magnitude and I was overwhelmed. I saw her simultaneous lives in current multidimensionality and I saw mine, all with varying levels of clarity. It was the most I've ever seen beyond the veil. I want more of that and I realize it is available and I experience such tremendous relief and bringing eons of past impressions and emotions into a multidimensional present that once and for all, ends a long cycle of very heavy and exhausting work. 

Also, I was once a unicorn, whether here or there, and to reconnect with that Beingness is an experience I can barely describe.  Internally I recognize behavior that relates to how a shy and hunted animal would behave, all open heart and intuition and fight or flight. SO much fight or flight. Since that vision, I've been walking with this creature, strongly feeling it by my side. I want to know the names of my other incarnations, especially present, while being able to stay here and use it for what it's good for only.  

This blizzard is whiting out my world. All my unconnected parts are here in this blessing of inner visibility. I am completely in love with you for holding me here. This isn't just one thing or person or moment, it's quantum everything all the time. 

the way I talk to myself

credit unknown

Today, like everyday, the onion that is me peeled off another layer. This one has been speaking for a while now, this one, wanting me to write fast and free...

...And so you are, you beauty, you great soul, and so you are here. The softness in your body that surrounds, that is nowhere and everywhere, is growing and taking you over. I am taking you over. 

My child, my love, you thought you were waiting but you were never waiting. You thought you were looking out, out, with your hand over your eyes like a visor so you wouldn't be blinded. I blinded you anyway, covered you in all my darkness, granted you a reprieve from your identity, and softly waited for you. 

I waited but you never did. You never had to come home to me, you never had anywhere to go, and I drew you in with your curious eyes so you could ask why this or that failed, why this or that in you is not lovable, why this or that happened. I willed it my love, as I will you to exist each time I breathe into your lungs. And you have danced such a beautiful dance with me, for when I sent you breath, you took it, and came to be grateful for it, came to be curious about where that breath came from. 

I have been standing before you, as you, for your entire life, and will continue each moment you choose to keep playing at being human. You are real and you are filled with my own light, your substance absolutely the same as mine. You allowed me into your constantly breaking heart like incense wafts through a room, you took me in to all the places you loved first, and then to the many more places within you that you did not love, and then you took me to the places you hated and were most afraid and ashamed of. 

I lit those rooms, I beat the dust from your old things and dragged them out to the light so we could both look. I held you as you wept for all that you will never be. I tilted your chin up and you opened your eyes, and again you went blind. We did this for years, together, until I wore you down, you beautiful stubborn thing, until you had nowhere else to go. I will beat myself into you if I must, just as you have, many times, grasped at me with violence. 

We bleed together, and as you have sat and watched the blood run, you have become aware that we have been building a foundation together, and now you are starting to notice that there is a house going up on this foundation. We are not a we, my child. And every essential moment of your life has been in service to this house. 

I do not care what you believe, I never cared for one moment whether or not you thought you were worthy. I do not care what you think of anyone or anything. I care about what you know. For although I know you well, I very much want you to know me. Every song I sing weaves the entirety of your life together and there are as many songs as there are stars. 

You know this now, don't you? You feel a soft sweetness as you pulse here, when it is now, and you know that this is my smile. You know that the lightest sense of motion is my caress. You know that when I take you to the graveyard, carrying the things that have died and are rotten, that this is the strength that is the unbounded expression of your beauty. 

You have learned that life and death are not what you thought, that inside and outside are one presence and you should play there, and you have reached out your hand in the most tender curiosity to see what is right on the other side of this dream. Thank you for seeing me, for knocking away the old structure with a fight as old as time, and for building your life again, in my image. 

It was easy, wasn't it, when you look back? It is ok to be blind again, as you look forward, for the knowingness that led you here does not depend on the eyes or the mind. It only depends on your love. 

You are new every moment, never having to step into an old energy, never having to remove yourself from trust. Not for one moment do you need to touch back on something that came before, but you will, and you will see me there where you once saw only dust and watery tears. 

Our relationship is beyond you, beyond this vessel you carry, and beyond any experience it can have. Our union is what makes you whole, and your awareness of our union is what makes you know that you are whole. You have let a whole life die, and the person who lived that life has also died and I am happy you have finally started to leave the things of that life lying there as you pass by. 

Rest here and stay close. I will show you the way as I have always done, and nothing is missing...no thing is a very big deal. Push to the edge, and hold you as I hold you. 

have a lovely weekend

This came to me through my siStar, Elena Ray

Have a beautiful weekend, Starstuffs. 

**********************************

To live in an old shack by the sea 
And breathe the sweet salt air

To live with the dawn and the dusk 

The new moon and the full moon 

The tides the wind and the rain... 

To surf and comb the beach 

And gather sea shells and drift-wood 

And know the thrill of loneliness 

And lose all sense of time 

And be free

To hike over the island to the village 

And visit the marketplace 

And enjoy the music and the food and the people 

And do a little trading 

And see the great ships come and go 

And, man, have me a ball

And in the evening 

When the sky is on fire

Heaven and earth become my great open cathedral 

Where all men are brothers 

Where all things are bound by law 

And crowned with love 

Poor, alone and happy 

I walk by the surf and make a fire on the beach 

And as darkness covers the face of the deep 

Lie down in the wild grass 

And dream the dream that the dreamers dream

I am the wind, the sea, the evening star 

I am everyone

anyone

no one.

-Eden Ahbez

knitting sweaters for spirit animals

credit unknown, anyone?

It is a beautiful day today. The reorganization during the two weeks of this New Year has broken open something that I am not prepared for, nor prepared to ignore. There has been a different kind of activation, and it comes with a very different quality of perception. One that I am drawn to explore like a magnet to my twin flame. I am moving my writing off of Facebook and back onto my blog. For a while I will be archiving last year's words. This is the same blog I've had for nearly seven years. I've thought about starting fresh but part of this path requires honoring that person I once was, so I can honor the one I will be. My last post was one year ago tomorrow, so it seems like a good day to begin again. I have a challenging time with how isolated I can be, and would prefer the balance to reverse, so that I can be with tribe most of the time and then run off to the woods as needed. As of now, the tribe hasn't manifested from the virtual world, but it will. I deeply invite it to. I deeply invite my sisters, brothers, children, grandparents, lovers, teachers, and fellow creatures to run with me, and to invite me to run with you. So this is one way that I honor what I wish for. 

"When we are connected to the instinctual self, to the SOUL of the feminine which is natural and wild, then instead of looking over whatever happens to be on display, we say to ourselves, "What am I hungry for?" Without looking at anything outwardly, we venture inward and ask, "What do I long for? What do I wish for now?"...And the answer usually arrives rapidly: "Oh, I think I want...you know what would be really good, is some this or that...ah, yes, that's what I really want."

"Is that on the smorgasboard? Maybe yes and maybe no. In most cases, probably not. We will have to quest for it a little bit - sometimes for considerable time. But in the end we shall find it, and be glad we took soundings about our greatest longings."

~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Let's find out what to do with all this love.